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CAUTION Have a chuckle - Lifes too short!!!

Discussion in 'General Banter' started by stevie_a, Jan 21, 2012.

  1. stevie_a

    stevie_a Zorg Guru (IV)
    Scottish Zeds

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    Guinness

    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.

    He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

    The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer.

    One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

    The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to- back.

    The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

    The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".

    The Irishman replies,

    "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".
     
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  2. stevie_a

    stevie_a Zorg Guru (IV)
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    ITALIAN ARITHMETIC

    An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test..


    'Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

    'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

    'What's this?' the boss asks.

    'Ave you gota no brain? Tree and tree and tree makes a nine,' says the Italian.

    'Fair enough,' says the boss. 'Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.'

    The Italian stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree . 'Ere you go.'

    The boss scratches his head and says, 'How on earth do you get that to represent 99?'

    'Eacha of da trees is a dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Datsa a 99.'

    The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Italian, so he says, 'All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.'

    The Italian stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, 'Ere you go.
    One hundred.'

    The boss looks at the attempt. 'You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!'

    (You're going to love this one!!!)

    The Italian leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and says, 'A little doga come along and shita by eacha tree. So now you gota dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, data makea one hundred. So, whenna I start?
     
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  3. stevie_a

    stevie_a Zorg Guru (IV)
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    Spare a thought for Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of 'Ryanair'.......



    Arriving in a hotel in Dublin, he went to the bar and asked for a pint of draught Guinness. The barman nodded and said, "That will be one Euro please, Mr. O’Leary."
    Somewhat taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
    "Well, we try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "And we are serving free pints every Wednesday evening
    from 6 until 8. We have the cheapest beer in Ireland"
    "That is remarkable value" Michael said.

    "What would you like to drink it out of said the barman?, a glass of course said Michael,

    That will be 2 euro please said the barman. That will be 3 euro in all, please."

    O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
    "Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. Of course said Michael, "That'll be an extra 2 euro. -
    If you had pre-booked the seat, and it would have only cost you one Euro."

    "I think you may to be too big for the seat sir, said the barman, can I ask you to sit in this frame please"
    Michael attempts to sit down but the frame is too small and he said "Nobody would fit in that little frame".
    "I'm afraid if you can't fit in the frame you'll have to pay an extra surcharge of 4 euro for your seat sir"
    O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up. "I see that you have brought your laptop with you" added the barman. "And since that wasn't pre-booked either, that will be another 3 euro."
    O'Leary was so annoyed that he walked back to the bar, slammed his drink on the counter, and yelled, "This is ridiculous, I want to speak to the manager".
    "Ah, I see you want to use the counter," says the barman, "that will be 2 euro please." O'Leary's face was red with rage.
    "Do you know who I am?"
    "Of course I do Mr. O'Leary,"
    "I've had enough, What sort of Hotel is this? I come in for a quiet drink and you treat me like this. I insist on speaking to a manager!"
    "Here is his email address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9 and 9:10 every morning, Monday to Tuesday at this free phone number. Calls are free, until they are answered, then there is a talking charge of only 10 cent per second"
    "I will never use this bar again"

    "OK sir, but remember, we are the only hotel in Ireland selling pints for one Euro".
     
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  4. stevie_a

    stevie_a Zorg Guru (IV)
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    Hi,

    I couldnt find that thingy that peels the carrots and potatoes so i asked the kids if theyd seen it.
    Apparently she left me yesterday... :((
     
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  5. stevie_a

    stevie_a Zorg Guru (IV)
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    A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten. We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven-hundred-ten?" She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.." She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked "is there a 710 on this car?" She pointed and said, "Of course, its right there."


    If you're not sure what a 710 is...scroll down.... :D





















    ai911.photobucket.com_albums_ac314_RadioDoctor_Stuff_20for_20Posting_710cap.jpg
     
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  6. stevie_a

    stevie_a Zorg Guru (IV)
    Scottish Zeds

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    Wee Billy frae Glesga always wanted to look cool.

    His friend told him that he needed a good designer pair of trainers to go with his shell suit.

    Billy saved up all his Giros and all the money he got back from returning his empty bottles of Ginger and finally managed to get himself a pair of brilliant white trainers to go with his shell suit.

    Proudly, he strutted down the street calling out to all the passers by "See ma new trainers? Stonkin, eh?"

    One fine upstanding gentleman pointed out that they were indeed a fine pair of trainers but was young Billy aware that one shoelace was undone?

    Billy scornfully retorted that it was part of being cool to have a trailing lace on one trainer, and that on the sole of the trainer there were instructions for the wearer to do such a thing.

    When asked for proof of this instruction, Billy look off his trainer and held it upside down for the disbeliever to read.

    "There y'are! It clearly says ....

    Taiwan !!!!!
     
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  7. La_vida_diver

    La_vida_diver Zorg Guru (I)
    British Zeds The West Country

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    Judy Rudd an amateur genealogy researcher in south east Queensland , was doing some personal work on her own family tree.
    She discovered that ex-Prime Minister Kevin Rudd’s great-great uncle, Remus Rudd, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Melbourne in 1889. Both Judy and Kevin Rudd share this common ancestor.
    The only known photograph of Uncle Remus shows him standing on the gallows at the Melbourne Gaol.

    On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription:
    'Remus Rudd horse thief, sent to Melbourne Gaol 1885, escaped 1887. Robbed the Melbourne-Geelong train six times.
    Caught by Victoria Police Force, convicted and hanged in 1889.'
    So Judy recently e-mailed ex-Prime Minister Rudd for information about their great-great uncle, Remus Rudd.

    Believe it or not, Kevin Rudd's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:
    "Remus Rudd was famous in Victoria during the mid to late 1800s. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Melbourne-Geelong Railroad.
    Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad.
    In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the Victoria Police Force. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honour when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."
     
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  8. peteslag

    peteslag Zorg Legend

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    A teacher was explaining to her young class that many years a go, she used to live on a farm and that one day her father had collected a load of eggs from the chickens. He put all of the eggs into a bucket and then dropped it, smashing all the eggs. “The moral of this story is that you can’t put all your eggs in one basket” She said. Then she asked her class to talk to their parents about any family stories that also have a moral at the end.

    The next day she asked the class if anyone had a story to tell the rest of the class. Little Billy went to the front of the class and began his story. “This is a story about my Uncle Ted. Uncle Ted was a pilot in the Vietnam War and was shot down. His plane was over enemy territory and caught fire, he looked at the field below and saw it was filled with 50 enemy soldiers and knew he would be parachuting to certain death. He looked in the back of his airplane a found a pistol with 10 bullets, a knife and a case of beer. He grabbed all the items then jumped out of the plane. On the way down he thought he had only minutes to live so downed the case of beers. Then he hit the ground, got the pistol out and shot 10 of the enemy soldiers. Then he got the knife out stabbed to death 20 more of the enemy. The knife snapped so he brutally killed the remaining 30 men with his bare hands, RIPPING THEM LIMB FROM LIMB…….”

    The teacher now looked absolutely petrified. She interrupted and said timidly “er….. is there a er… moral to this story Billy?”

    “Yeah, don’t F!!k with Uncle Ted when he has had drink!”
     
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  9. Frank.A

    Frank.A Zorg Addict

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    Wife phones her husband and says,
    'I have a problem with the car,I think that there is water in the carburettor'

    'How would you know that?' says the husband.

    Wife replies, 'Because I'm in the canal.'
     
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  10. stevie_a

    stevie_a Zorg Guru (IV)
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    Cherie Blair is touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
    Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on and the car
    comes to a stop.

    Cherie, in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur: 'You get out
    and check - you were driving.

    'The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.

    "You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Cherie.

    Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled with
    a big grin on his face.

    'My goodness, what happened to you?' asks Cherie.

    The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle
    of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love
    to me. '

    'What on earth did you say?' asks Cherie. ' I knocked on the door, and when
    it was answered, I said to them: ' I'm Cherie Blair's chauffeur and I've
    just killed the cow.
     
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  11. stevie_a

    stevie_a Zorg Guru (IV)
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    I got myself in trouble with the wife last night,

    she asked what I'd most like to do with her body

    apparantly identify it wasn't the right answer!!!
     
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  12. bessieblue

    bessieblue Zorg Guru (II)
    East Anglian Crew

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    quick jokes

    1. My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am?
    Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

    2. The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
    Talk about Dyson with death.

    3. Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador .
    "Really," says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"

    4. I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
    At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

    5. My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

    6. Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
    At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

    7. The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
    So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

    8. A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
    When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

    9. I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave.
    As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
    I thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"

    10. My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70.
    "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

    11. Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

    12. I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

    13. I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

    14. I was driving this morning when I saw an RACV van parked on the side of the road.
    The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
    I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

    15. I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. He wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.





    No virus found in this message.
     
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  13. si-forks

    si-forks Dedicated Member

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    Re: quick jokes

    Very good liked the guide dog joke

    Si-forks on tapatalk
     
    • Like Like x 1
  14. stevie_a

    stevie_a Zorg Guru (IV)
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    Always wear clean underwear when at Tesco
    Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your
    vehicle. A couple who drove their car to Tesco, only to have their car break down in the car park.

    The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
    The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On
    closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the
    chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of
    underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..

    Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly
    put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
    On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself
    staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching.

    The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead ;-)
     
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  15. stevie_a

    stevie_a Zorg Guru (IV)
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    Re: quick jokes

    See the Joke thread HERE just to keep things neat and tidy you understand.. ;)
     
  16. Frank.A

    Frank.A Zorg Addict

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    While in China, an American man is very sexually promiscuous and does not
    use a condom the entire time he is there. A week after arriving back home
    in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright
    green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor.



    The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests
    and tells the man to return in 2 days for the results.



    The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says "I've got bad
    news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. Its very rare and almost
    unheard of here in the US, we know very little about it". The man looks a
    little perplexed and says "Well give me a shot or something and fix me up
    doc". The doctor answers "I'm sorry, theres no known cure. We're going to
    have to amputate your penis". The man screams in horror "Absolutely not! I
    want a second opinion!!". The doctor replies "Well, its your choice. Go
    ahead if you want but surgery is your only option".



    The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor figuring that he'll know
    more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims
    "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease". The guy says to the doctor "yeah
    yeah I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to
    cut off my penis!". The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs "Stupid
    American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need
    amputate".



    "Oh thank God!" the man exclaims. "Yes" says the Chinese doctor "Wait two
    week. Faw off by itself".
     
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  17. Frank.A

    Frank.A Zorg Addict

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    The Pastor's Ass

    The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
    it won.

    The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
    that he entered it in the
    race
    again and it won again.


    The local paper read:
    PASTOR'S
    ASS OUT FRONT.


    The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
    publicity that he ordered
    the
    Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



    The next day the local paper headline
    read:
    BISHOP
    SCRATCHES
    PASTOR'S
    ASS.

    This was too much for the Bishop so he
    ordered the Pastor to get
    rid
    of the donkey.

    The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
    nearby convent.

    The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
    the following headline
    the
    next day:


    NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

    The Bishop fainted.

    He informed the Nun that she would have to
    get rid of the donkey so
    she
    sold it to a farmer for $10.
    The next day the paper read:

    NUN
    SELLS ASS FOR $10.


    This was too much for the Bishop so he
    ordered the Nun to buy back
    the
    donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
    wild.

    The next day the headlines read:

    NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
    The Bishop was buried the next day.

    The moral of the story is . . . being
    concerned about public opinion
    can
    bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
    life.

    So be yourself and enjoy life.
     
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  18. Boysie

    Boysie Zorg Guru (I)
    Supporter British Zeds M Power

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    This boy is as quick as a flash!!!


    A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

    Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

    "Some old b*****d wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

    As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,

    "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

    The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

    Later, the manager said to the boy,"

    I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

    "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

    "Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

    The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."

    "Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"

    "Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"
     
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  19. Boysie

    Boysie Zorg Guru (I)
    Supporter British Zeds M Power

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    'Warning a bit naughty'

    THE RUGBY MAN
    The other day I was in an empty pub having a quiet beer by myself. The door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top.. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show. After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer.
    No sooner had I taken a sip when I turn to see her pulling another bar stool up close to me and sitting down. She said 'Hi', and I said 'Hi' in return. She asked how I was and took my hand and placed it on her perfect inner thigh, rubbing it up and down. 'So, does that make you feel good?' she asked. ... 'I'll bet you feel good,' she continued. 'In fact, I'll bet you've never felt this good before.'

    'Well, I have,' I corrected her. 'You see, when I was 18, I was picked to play for the school 1st. XV in the Public School Finals in front of a crowd of about 3000 and I felt really good.' I immediately felt a bit pathetic saying that and I thought she would get up and go but she took my hand off her thigh and put it up the front of her top. Her nipple pushed into my palm as she massaged my hand into her pert, perfect breast. 'How do you feel now,' she purred. 'OK' I replied. Again, she said, 'I'll bet you do. In fact, I'll bet you've never felt THIS good before!'

    Unbelievably I heard myself saying 'Well, actually I have. In that game, we were down by six points with about 20 seconds left in the match. The opposition kicked the ball deep into our half of the field, where I caught it... I ran up field, side-stepping past the first few defenders, handed off a couple of would-be tacklers, burst through a few forwards, chipped over their fullback, regathered and scored a try right under the posts with about 2 or 3 seconds 'till full time. We were still behind by one point, but I had a simple kick at goal with which to win the match and......... '

    "Ahhh....." she growled between clenched teeth, more than a bit miffed, pulled my hand from under her top and thrust it down the front of her skirt. My fingers immediately met what felt like a wisp of soft cotton , and she was wet !!!! She whispered, 'Well tell me this, Mr. Rugby Man: Have you ever felt such a perfect c*** ?' 'I certainly have,' I answered, 'I missed the kick.'
     
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  20. Brian4

    Brian4 Zorg Guru (IV)
    British Zeds East Anglian Crew

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2011
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    Location:
    Hinckley/Burbage
    Model of Z:
    Z3 3.0i Auto
    A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A
    FOOTBALL MATCH WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

    "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?
    IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW."

    HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY,
    "FIX THE LIGHTS NOW? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE "POWERGEN" WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
    I DON'T THINK SO!"

    "FINE!"

    THEN THE WIFE ASKS,
    "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
    IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT"

    TO WHICH HE REPLIED,
    "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?
    DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE "FRIDGIDAIRE"
    WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
    I DON'T THINK SO!"

    "FINE!" SHE SAYS
    "THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS
    TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK"

    "I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T
    WANT TO FIX STEPS", HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE "TAYLOR WOODROW" WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?
    I DON'T THINK SO! I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS, I'M GOING TO THE PUB!!!!"

    SO HE GOES TO THE PUB AND DRINKS FOR A
    COUPLE OF HOURS................

    HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW
    HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES
    TO GO HOME

    AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES
    THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

    AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE , HE SEES THE
    HALL LIGHT IS WORKING

    AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES
    THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

    HONEY, HE ASKS, "HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?"
    SHE SAID, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT
    OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM.
    HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE."

    HE SAID,
    "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE?"

    SHE REPLIED, "HELLOOOOO.., DO YOU SEE "MR KIPLING" WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!"
     
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