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Have a chuckle - Lifes too short!!!

Discussion in 'General Banter' started by stevie_a, Jan 21, 2012.

  1. Aceman

    Aceman Moderator Staff Member Global Moderator 3rd Party Trader

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    Police work can be entertaining as well as dangerous.
    Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, 22 year old white male, fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night. The next day, at the Gwinntt County (GA) courthouse, Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
    The suspect explained that he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session when he decided to stop. 'You know how a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around for miles or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around' he stated.

    Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. 'Guess I was really into it, you know?' he commented with evident embarrassment.

    In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience until Officer Brenda Taylor approached the side of his car.

    It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Officer Taylor. 'I

    Walked up to Lawrence and he's just banging away at this pumpkin.'

    Officer Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence ....

    'I said: 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you're having sex with a pumpkin?'

    He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then he looked me straight in the face and said:

    'A pumpkin? Shit ... Is it midnight already?'

    The court (and the judge) could not contain their mirth.

    The Washington Post wrote an article describing this as the 'Best come-back line ever'.
    • Agree Agree x 1
  2. Aceman

    Aceman Moderator Staff Member Global Moderator 3rd Party Trader

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    A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Farmer's Weekly. He looked up from the page and said to her,
    "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

    She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied,
    "Oh yes? Prove it."

    He frowned for a moment, then said, "Okay."
    He then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

    About a half an hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed,
    "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig was squealing, I couldn't be sure".
    • Like Like x 2
  3. badman gee

    badman gee Zorg Guru (IV) East Anglian Crew M Power

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    I prefer water melons or 2 bits of raw chicken behind a radiator!
  4. GazHyde

    GazHyde The Gaz Monkey Staff Member Administrator Global Moderator British Zeds

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    Several men are in the changing room of a golf club. A mobile phone on
    a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and
    begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

    MAN: "Hello"
    WOMAN: "Hi darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
    MAN: "Yes."
    WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
    MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
    WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Ford showroom and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
    MAN: "How much?"
    WOMAN: "£37,000.";
    MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
    WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £570,000 for it."
    MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of £550,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra twenty-thousand if it's what you really want."
    WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
    MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

    The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.

    He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"
    • Like Like x 2
  5. Aceman

    Aceman Moderator Staff Member Global Moderator 3rd Party Trader

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    A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

    "Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.

    "Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

    The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "****ing hell, are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me, and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"

    "No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher!"
    • Like Like x 3
  6. Aceman

    Aceman Moderator Staff Member Global Moderator 3rd Party Trader

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    At dawn the telephone rings.............................................

    "Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

    "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

    "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

    "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

    "Si, Señor, that's the one."

    "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

    "From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

    "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

    "Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

    "Dead horse? What dead horse?"

    "The thoroughbred, Señor Bob .."

    "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

    "Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

    "Are you insane? What water cart?"

    "The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

    "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

    "The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught onfire."

    "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

    "Yes, Señor Bob."

    "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

    "For the funeral, Señor Bob .."

    "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

    "Your wife's, Señor Bob.

    She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

    SILENCE........................................

    LONG SILENCE....................................................

    VERY LONG SILENCE...........................................................................

















    "Ernesto, if you broke that f#@*#*# driver, you're in deep sh*t."
    • Like Like x 3
  7. Aceman

    Aceman Moderator Staff Member Global Moderator 3rd Party Trader

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    A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

    Suddenly, a blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blond jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blond women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. Its people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general...pathetically all in the name of humor!"

    The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells: "You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little ******* on your lap."
    • Like Like x 3
  8. Mint

    Mint Zorg Guru (I) Supporter British Zeds East Anglian Crew

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    Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons.
    "So", he says to them:"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."
    "Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."
    "Hymie, I want you to take the offices over in City Center."
    "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings downtown."
    The nurse is just blown away by all this, and as Morris slips away, she says , "Mrs. Schwartz, your husband must have been such a hard working man to have accumulated all this property".
    Sarah replies,"Property? The schmuck has a paper route!"
    • Like Like x 3
  9. Mint

    Mint Zorg Guru (I) Supporter British Zeds East Anglian Crew

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    Only the Irish have jokes like these:
    Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
    "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
    "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
    "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean,
    "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
    "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
    " Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
    "That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
    *********************************************************************************
    An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.
    A cop pulls him over.
    "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?"
    "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk.
    "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening."
    "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.
    "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"
    "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
    *****************************************************************************
    Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've somethin' to tell ya".
    Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
    "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda." There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
    "Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
    "I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
    Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
    "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
    "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
    "Well, Brenda... No. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
    ******************************************************************************
    Mary Clancy goes up to Father O'Grady after his Sunday morning service, and she's in tears.
    He says, "So what's bothering you, Mary my dear?"
    She says, "Oh, Father, I've got terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
    The priest says, "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?"
    She says, "That he did, Father."
    The priest says, "What did he ask, Mary? "
    She says, "He said, please Mary, put down that damn gun...'
    *********************************************************
    A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing.
    The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there.
    Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
    The drunk mumbles, "ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!"
    • Like Like x 3
  10. Mint

    Mint Zorg Guru (I) Supporter British Zeds East Anglian Crew

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    Puns for educated Minds:
    How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it....

    Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

    A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

    I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

    Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

    England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

    I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

    Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.

    I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

    I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

    This girl said she recognised me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

    When chemists die, apparently they barium.

    I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

    I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

    I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

    Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

    When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.

    Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.

    What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

    I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.

    I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

    Velcro - what a rip off!
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  11. Mint

    Mint Zorg Guru (I) Supporter British Zeds East Anglian Crew

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    An old man lay sprawled across three entire seats in the cinema.
    When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
    The old man just groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
    Once again, the old man just groaned.The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the old dishevelled man, but with no success.
    Finally they summoned the police.
    The officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy what's your name?"
    "Fred," the old man moaned.
    "Where ya from, Fred?" asked the police officer.
    With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied, "The balcony."
    • Like Like x 2
  12. Aceman

    Aceman Moderator Staff Member Global Moderator 3rd Party Trader

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    Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite ... all he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

    I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill ... apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

    After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

    My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slo-vak.

    Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

    I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

    After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing.

    Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

    A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
    Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roché...

    Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots . . . . Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

    IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY"
    And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!!

    Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
    Both in hospital . .. . one's in a korma . . . the other's got a dodgy tikka!



    Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a middle-aged couple from Weymouth .

    An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof!!
    • Like Like x 3
  13. Mint

    Mint Zorg Guru (I) Supporter British Zeds East Anglian Crew

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    Harley-Davidson Facts
    The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.
    At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, 'Since you've been such a good man
    and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
    Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, 'I want to hang out with God.'
    St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
    God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?'
    Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
    God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?'
    Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke,
    'Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?' God said, 'Ah, yes.'
    'Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention!

    For example,
    1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
    2. It chatters constantly at high speeds.
    3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much.
    4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust.
    5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!

    Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God, 'hold on.'God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.
    The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur,
    'but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
    • Like Like x 2
  14. Mint

    Mint Zorg Guru (I) Supporter British Zeds East Anglian Crew

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    SARCASM AT ITS BEST
    A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor.
    The doctor says "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
    The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings. She's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
    The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, - "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your daughter is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
    The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be. She has never ever been with a man! Have you Debbie?"
    Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man, I'm still a virgin!"
    The doctor walked over to the window and just stood there staring out of it. About 5 minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
    The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and 3 wise men came over the hill. And there's no way I'm going to miss it this time!"
  15. stevie_a

    stevie_a Zorg Legend Scottish Region

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    [​IMG]
    • Like Like x 3
  16. GazHyde

    GazHyde The Gaz Monkey Staff Member Administrator Global Moderator British Zeds

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  17. GazHyde

    GazHyde The Gaz Monkey Staff Member Administrator Global Moderator British Zeds

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    Something for you to ponder on. Not funny as such but interesting...
    • The bandage was wound around the wound.
    • The farm was used to produce produce.
    • The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
    • We must polish the Polish furniture..
    • He could lead if he would get the lead out.
    • The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert..
    • Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
    • A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
    • When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
    • I did not object to the object.
    • The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
    • There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
    • They were too close to the door to close it.
    • The buck does funny things when the does are present.
    • A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
    • To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
    • The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
    • Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear..
    • I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
    • How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
    Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France . Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

    And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices? Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

    If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

    How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.

    English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

    PS. - Why doesn't 'Buick' rhyme with 'quick'?
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  18. hard top

    hard top Moderator Staff Member Global Moderator Dutch Zeds The M44 Massive

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    Jesus Gaz, have you been smoking that stuff I sent you......?........:ymdevil:
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  19. Rev

    Rev Zorg Guru (II) Supporter

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    A pharmacist walks into his shop to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall and acting strangely.

    He asks his blonde assistant "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

    The blonde assistant responds: "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough.

    I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

    The pharmacist yells: "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a Laxative!"

    The blonde assistant smiles sweetly and responds, "Of course you can....... Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

    :drinks:
    Last edited: Oct 30, 2013
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  20. Rev

    Rev Zorg Guru (II) Supporter

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    A mans life in three pictures.

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